The most loving word in the English language is a simple two-letter word that I didn't learn until I was in my 40’s.
That word is…
NO
I grew up in a home where boundaries were a foreign concept.
“No” was a word filled with guilt and uncertainty. Uncertainty on how it would be perceived and uncertainly regarding the response once the word was uttered.
And guilt always seemed to linger because a good daughter, sister, and friend ALWAYS says "yes," no matter the cost.
I seriously didn't know what boundaries were or how to use them until I read Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. When I finished, I was woke! I walked around with that book in hand, asking people, “Do you know about these magical things called boundaries!?” I though them more beautiful and mystical than unicorns!
Here I was, a grown woman, shaking a dog eared, overly hi-lited book in people's faces. People must have thought ME as a person they need to enact boundaries with ASAP!
In learning how to use boundaries, there has been a learning curve. In the beginning, I felt like Goldilocks. Too hard, too soft, just right. I felt guilty for saying no. I was anxious that I would have to whip one out in the middle of Target. And sad when I realized I needed to use the most with those closest to me.
Boundaries are Good and God Honoring
I made peace with boundaries and learned how to use them when I realized they are good and God-honoring. Heck, Jesus models the use of good boundaries numerous times in the Bible.
Boundaries sometimes feel like taboo to Christians. Somehow we made the word “no” feel bad. We think if we say "no," we are being mean or not being Christ-like. Or have thoughts people will think of us as selfish or lazy. We hear that voice in our head, “Well, a good Christian would do this," or "A good Christian would help out more."
Yes, we are called to help and serve but with healthy boundaries set in place.
When we don't set boundaries, we take on responsibilities, issues, and roles that God never intended us to manage.
Jesus was great about setting boundaries with friends and family. (Well, He is God, so of course, He was good at it!) Jesus set a hard and fast boundary with Peter when he was trying to get all up into the business of John and Jesus's relationship.
Jesus also set a firm boundary with his mom on several occasions. He told her to chill at the Caana wedding and firmly said to her that them running out of wine was not his problem or responsibility (John 2:1-11)
And in the Book of Mark when His family tried to come to get Him, Jesus spoke truth in love when He told them no (Mark 3:20-21, 31-34)
Fence Around Your House
Think of boundaries as a fence around a house. It lets things in and keeps things out. You gotta’ keep up with the maintenance. Tend to weeds, overgrowth, and new sprouting’s within the perimeter. Be aware of what is outside the fence that may be infringing. And be ready to close the gate door at a moment’s notice!
A boundary is a dividing line that separates people from one another. There are areas in my life, thoughts, actions, beliefs, and values that belong to me, and there are areas in your life that belong to you. So, let’s keep it that way!
Boundaries define us. Define who we are and who we aren’t.
Boundaries are about taking responsibility for our own lives and about self-control.
From the SoulShepherding site. https://www.soulshepherding.org/jesus-set-boundaries/ “To know yourself and be secure that you are loved is essential to all relationships and activities. The better your boundaries of self-awareness and self-definition are, the greater your capacity to offer empathy and love to others. Good boundaries help you to care for others because you have a stable foundation to operate from and are not distracted or depleted by personal insecurities or blind spots."
Give the Gift of Healthy Boundaries
The holidays are a joyful time. However, they can put a strain on relationships and what is excepted from one another.
During this time of year, we need to reinforce boundaries-like Jesus did-to help others respect our lives and relationships. We can care for ourselves AND others by setting proper boundaries.
It’s ok to step back and have some time to yourself. It’s ok to tell your family in truth and love that their unsolved issues are not your issues. And it’s ok to keep friends and family out of the intimate details regarding your personal life.
Knowing how and when to use a boundary is mending the places that are torn and worn from years of improper use.
Each day gets easier knowing when to set a boundary and being aware of what should be inside our fence and become more aware of what should be outside. The process becomes more natural.
So, this holiday season, along with baking, decorating, and finding that perfect gift for Auntie Jan, give yourself the gift of healthy boundaries.