Dear Jesus

Dear Jesus………………………Amen.

I have been feeling a lot like this meme lately. I simply don’t have the words for the feelings I’m having. 

Too much going on in the world.  Too much division.  Too much hurt.

Where do I start praying? How do I pray?  What do I pray for?

And what words do I offer when I don’t even understand what is going on?

However, I still feel the need to pray, so I start-Dear Jesus…..

Followed by silence. And ending in frustration

So, I try again-Dear Jesus……

This time incomplete words start to form in my head (hey, got further than last time) but stop there.  And become overwhelmed by it all. 

I am also saddened because feel like a failure.  A fraud.  The world needs prayer.  People need our intercession.  And all I can do is stammer a few Dear Jesus’ and stare blankly at the wall.

J.C. Ryle says, “Fear not because your prayer is stammering, your words feeble, and your language poor. Jesus can understand you.”

Oh, thank you, Jesus.  You’re the best because I can’t make sense of any of it!  Somedays it not even stammering but a heaviness within my heart followed by a groaning of my spirit.

Since March, every month has introduced a new reality and trauma that my mind can’t process. Covid 19, stay-at-home-orders, protests against racism, and riots. All this in the span of just 3-months.

I feel my words have decreased while the stammering and groaning have increased.   

 The Message version of Romans 26-28 reads, “If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves and keeps us present before God”.

God hears the groaning of our hearts.  And the Holy Spirit intercedes on our behalf and makes prayers out of our wordless sighs.

Well, thank goodness for that!  That takes the pressure off.  So, I will continue to show up, and offer up my wordless sighs, aching groans, and feeble words.  God will do the rest.  And perhaps one day my thoughts and emotions can catch up. 

Anyone else feel like this?  At a loss for words but filled with emotions?  Take heart, you are not alone. One day we will be able to process all 2020 threw at us. But right now we need to sit in the present moment with the wordless sighs and our aching groans and let the mending and healing process begin. 

Target Run and Undone

I finally made it to Target during the pandemic.  I felt like I was making a pilgrimage to a holy site.  I donned my protective facemask, threw my Clorox wipes in my purse, and headed out.

Freedom!!! 

Everything looked so foreign.  I forgot what the streets and landscape looked like a mile from my house.

As I was driving to the Promiseland, I envisioned the aisles flowing with milk and honey. 

But when I got there, it was flowing with masked people making a beeline to the paper goods aisle and splitting off to the cleaning aisle all the while trying to keep 6 ft apart.

The aisles had milk and honey, just not TB and hand sanitizer. 

I went seeking some normalcy.  Trying to regain a sense of my old routine.  But all I left with was anxiety, guilt, and half the things on my list!

Anxiety because the masks covers people’s faces, but accentuates the fear and uncertainty in their eyes. Guilt due to the feeling I was endangering humanity when I wandered aimlessly throughout the store.  And items forgotten because my mind was too busy focusing on telling my hands not to touch my face! 

Target run undone by Corona. 

What else has Corona undone these past weeks/months?  I know, I know, "we should look at the blessings and the bright side of all this." Oh, I am.  God uses all things for His glory, and I truly believe He is using this in big and unbelievable ways. 

But I also believe this is a time to grieve what we have lost.  Acknowledge what has been taken from us.  And give witness to how it’s affecting us.